Six Things Fast Five Should Fix From Fast & Furious... But Probably Won't

1 - There is a ratio of good dialogue to clich├ęd dialogue which is acceptable in a standard action film. No one is quite sure what the ratio is but your ears know it when they hear it, producing a physical reaction not dissimilar to the feeling of treading on dog poo whilst simultaneously getting a whiff of soured milk. Paul Walker suggesting to a fellow officer that he 'thought we had signed on to do the right thing' tipped the balance against Fast & Furious. Well against it in fact.

2 - Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) does not suit 'feelings'. Well, he does suit feelings but not the mushy kind of feelings like being in love and showing kindness to small children. The feelings he suits are the feelings associated with racing cars, kicking ass and shooting shotguns. Please eliminate all manner of other feelings from Toretto so we don't have to watch another opening fifteen minutes of Vin trying to 'feel'.

3 - Stop presenting car racing scenes so messily edited that we can't see the cars. Or the racing. Thank you. Also, please reduce the amount of CGI involved. Cars go quite fast, quite well without it. For reference see; Ronin, The French Connection.

4 - More Jordana Brewster please. This is the only time she's allowed out apart from to star in obscure sit-coms which we don't get in the UK anyway.

5 - We understand that Brian (Walker) is quite handy with his fists but not quite as handy of Toretto. To illustrate this point we DO NOT NEED to see another example of him beating up a weedy guy followed by a scene where he is pummelled by Toretto. We take the point. There's no need for (another) rematch.

6 - Stop putting characters in similary coloured clothes to demonstrate how 'together' they are. Oh...

Fast Five is released in UK cinemas on 21st April 2011. Fast & Furious is out on DVD now.


  1. Judging by the fact that there are quite clearly people behind them on the beach in that last photo, I wonder where exactly they came from? Maybe it's supposed to be an exposition scene where they decide all they need is a lovely stroll along the beach.... in unison with their most 'yah, we bad' face on? Or their Ocean's Eleven farewell but they awkwardly realize afterward they're all going the same direction?

  2. My serious bet would be that this is a case of a scene that's used in promotion but never makes it into the actual film.

    My semi-serious hope is that, taking its lead from BATTLE: LA, it reveals the origin of the group as a bunch of aliens who walk out of the sea and stop at nothing until they hit something solid. Like a wall. Or a car.

  3. This is just fantastic. Made my day. I would also like to stress that I'm of the opinion that Jordana Brewster, like Megan Fox, is, in actuality, a CGI creation.

  4. Lovely to hear Nicholas and yes, that would just about explain why we hardly ever see her: damn expensive to maintain that level of CGI!

  5. To my recollection, the whole 'gang struts together on a beach' scene is not in the film. But actually, Fast Five does fix pretty much all of your (justifiable) complaints about the franchise. There is much less car racing in this one, the dialogue is a little better, Brewster has plenty of screentime, and at no point do Walker and Diesel fight each other. Toretto does get a few dramatic scenes, but they are all at least adequate, and one monologue about his late father is genuinely touching. Mission indeed accomplished.

  6. Good to hear it! I always thought that was rather likely to be a particularly badly judged PR shot. I genuinely quite enjoy watching the first two, skipped the third and felt rather let down by the fourth. If the fifth does, indeed, fix the problems as you say then I certainly won't be complaining!