Seeing as the UK is in the middle of an epic cold snap at the moment (-4C as I write this) and that we're fast approaching Christmas day, we're going to kick off with two films dealing with evil Santas; namely current hot topic Rare Exports and 2005's turgid Santa's Slay. Bad Santa ready? Mad Santa ready? Fight!
First Google Image Result (above)
Both search queries actually result in getting a picture of the film in question (hardly a given, especially for RE) which scores them some points right off the bat. The RE effort at least gives the title but for the pure fact that SS's perfectly encapsulates the film as a whole (Bill Goldberg is a murderous Santa) it takes the win. Neither are particularly great.
Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb
Unfortunately, RE falls behind here by virtue of having nothing in its parental guidance. SS's goes down the route of describing every kill in the film and therefore features nuggets like 'a man being stabbed in the neck by a menorah' but sadly extends to nothing more insightful than this.
Best Character Name
RE has a proper Finnish name in 'Piiparinen' but SS is the clear winner here with 'Dick Zucker'. Just genius.
By virtue of being a new release RE again loses out with nothing to show in its IMDb quotes section. SS has an open net which it just about hits with two zingers; 'you hit like a girl/you kiss like a guy' and 'He's scary, yet educational'.
Slash Film called RE 'like a fusion of Joe Dante and Guillermo del Toro' but the merit of that can be debated seeing as they'd only seen the trailer at the time. SS is 'like 3.50 on Amazon' according to a JoBlo forum poster although a more accurate comparison might be from a forumite on Horror-Movies.ca who claims it is 'sorta like 2001 Maniacs'. But with Santa. Kudos to SS for humour but RE must take it for inspiring such hyperbole.
SS was the hands down winner here with a tweet from @LAZER_ZONE claiming the film 'blows it's a wonderful life out of the friggin water [sic]'. RE put up brave resistance with several people reporting that 'Rare Exports beats Harry Potter at the box office'. A fact slightly tempered by the reveal that this was only the case in Finland.
Best Rotten Tomatoes Review
The SS review features a man who thinks that the fact the film is 'no Jack Frost or Jack Frost 2' is bad thing, whilst RE continues the hyperbole and comparisons with an Australian reviewer who thinks the film shows the 'influences of Tim Burton and the Coen brothers'. An honourable tie.
Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia
Neither film's trivia is exactly stacked: SS only lists the body count whilst RE is again unpopulated.
With an imposing but hardly magnificent 46/80, Santa's Slay lays the smackdown on Rare Exports' measly 28/80 to take the win in the first ever Film Intel Fight Club.