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Film Intel's Fight Club - Drive vs Drive

Nicolas Winding Refn's highly acclaimed Drive hits UK cinemas on Friday, with Ryan Gosling taking the lead as a stuntman-cum-getaway driver. However, it's not the first Drive on the cinematic block. The accolade of being the second-most-famous Drive goes to Steve Wang's 1997 action-comedy, which starred Mark Dacascos as a genetically altered super-fighter on the run from a selection of no-good hitmen. Which Drive will prevail in the Film Intel Fight Club? Gosling, ready? Dacascos, ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Ah, now, there could have been a flaw in the plan here because, obviously, searching for 'Drive' and, erm, 'Drive' produces the same image. The only remedy to this was to search on release year as well, which produced the above posters. Both films lose points for being inconvenient.

Drive '11: 7/10
Drive '97: 6/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Both of these should be goldmines for the usually hilarious IMDb nuggets but, sadly, they're both rather tame. Drive '97 in fact has nothing to show for its parent guide, whilst Drive '11 just has fairly sensible descriptions of what happens during the film. Could it be that (shock, horror, is this a sign of the apocalypse?) this IMDb feature is actually starting to be used correctly?

Drive '11: 4/10
Drive '97: 0/10

Best Character Name

Drive '11 goes for unmitigated cool, from Gosling's character (Driver) to the anonymous hoodlums (Tan Suit) but scroll down and you will find a certain Mr Bearded Redneck, which is always nice to see. Drive '97 has several crackers starting with two villains called Hedgehog and Razor Scarred. Top award though goes to the late Brittany Murphy, playing the fantastically named Deliverance Bodine.

Drive '11: 7/10
Drive '97: 9/10

Best Quote

Drive '11 is unlucky here. A lack of updating means it only features the dialogue from the trailer. Drive '97 has a lot of great dialogue that doesn't look as great when it's on the page. The best is probably this little exchange: 'Malik Brody: The image that Americans have of China is that's it's a country full of people with little tiny feet, and they run around and kick the shit out of each other every day. /
Toby Wong: Well that's the same image we have of America, except you guys have big feet and kick the shit out of each other less gracefully.'

Drive '11: 1/10
Drive '97: 6/10

Best Comparison

Drive '11 is like 'a godsend from the cinematic heavens—an air-tight, stripped-down, heart-rending, blood-drenched, anxiety-fuelled godsend, but a godsend all the same' according to one review. Trying to find comparisons of a film released fourteen years ago but sharing the name of a film released this week is an effort somewhat above my pay grade. Lets just assume that someone, somewhere, compared it to something.

Drive '11: 6/10
Drive '97: 1/10

Best Tweet

Amazingly, someone has tweeted about Drive '97 and that honour goes to @choobanicus who says 'There's already a film called Drive. It stars Mark Dacascos and it's awesome'. Too right, Sir! There's a few to choose from with Drive '11 but none quite as bizarrely formed as this from a certain Mr @DannyDeVito; '"Drive" is a ride! Ryan Gosling cool movie! Bryan Cranston Ron Perlman Christina Hendricks, my man Albert Brooks! Carey Mulligan Sweet!'.

Drive '11: 9/10
Drive '97: 5/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

Like any widely reviewed film there's a fair amount of guff and cliché on Drive '11's page. Erik Childress' summation that 'Drive is quite simply the best film that Michael Mann never made in the period where Thief, Manhunter and the scores of Giorgio Moroder and Tangerine Dream secreted off the screen and into our veins' rises above it. Drive '97 comes up empty.

Drive '11: 7/10
Drive '97: 0/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

Drive '11's claim that 'In preparation for his role, Ryan Gosling restored the 1973 Chevy Malibu that his character uses in the film' will probably only fuel the man love for Gosling still more. Drive '97 puts a sad finish on affairs by once again turning over a blank.

Drive '11: 7/10
Drive '97: 0/10

Both films suffer from yet-to-be populated categories but the relative obscurity of Drive '97 means it comes off far worse, with a lowly score of just 27/80. The uber-coolness of Drive '11's noir inflections see it past the post with a score of 48/80

Film Intel's Fight Club: where two films get pushed head-to-head over such irreverent issues as 'first Google image result' and 'best IMDb parental guidance entry'. All films are marked out of ten on each topic with a possible maximum score of 80 - it won't tell you anything about the quality of the film (or will it?) but it might give you a few giggles. Or it might not. We'll see.

Film Intel's Fight Club - Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs vs The Lion King

Last week saw Disney's fiftieth animated feature, Tangled, hit DVD and Blu-ray. This week sees two of Disney's classics hit each other. First ever Disney feature, Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs finds itself up against one of the studios most beloved pieces of animation, 1994's The Lion King, complete with Elton John as featured celebrity backer. Can the classic overcome the modern great? It'll be a tough battle and several pencil strokes might well have to be sacrificed. Bashful, ready? Simba, ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Decent results from both films but Snow White (SW) takes the win by virtue of not having The Lion King's (LK) slightly pointless green border.

SW: 8/10
LK: 7/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

LK's suggests that the film 'repeatedly presents violence as an acceptable solution to most, if not all conflicts', which might be true but also might be over-analysing a film about talking lions. There are a couple of fantastic entries in SW's Parental Guidance but the easy win goes to the addition under the heading 'Profanity' which states that 'Grumpy is a little sarcastic'.

SW: 9/10
LK: 5/10

Best Character Name

There's nothing revolutionary in either film but kudos to LK for creating Timon and Pumbaa who act exactly as the sound of their names suggest they might. SW's dwarfs are iconic but hardly break new ground in non-descriptive monikers.

SW: 5/10
LK: 4/10

Best Quote

There's a rather clever section in LK which involves Zazu giving a report full of semi-clever animal in-jokes such as, 'the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. Of course, the giraffes are acting like they're above it all', etc., etc. There's lots of rhyming in SW, some of it full of Disney's old 'subliminal darkness' that creeps into the earlier films. 'Dip the apple in the brew. Let the Sleeping Death seep through' is a good example, as is pretty much anything the evil Queen says.

SW: 6/10
LK: 6/10

Best Comparison

Not being overtly familiar with religion per se I'm not entirely sure why 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is like what the ark is to Noah' as is claimed here but the comparison is so grandiose that it deserves to feature. The obvious and prevalent comparison for LK is its passing similarity to Hamlet but sticking with the religious theme one viewer interprets the film as being like the 'crucifiction story'.

SW: 5/10
LK: 5/10

Best Tweet

An intriguing claim from @victoriavanwart wins the LK best tweet, suggesting that 'my math teacher looks like she should be in the lion king'. Not the first thing which might spring to everyone's mind when watching SW but @chriscolfer's summation that 'that cottage needs some serious pest control' is probably not completely without merit.

SW: 6/10
LK: 7/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

The importance of SW historically features in around 90% of the Rotten Tomatoes reviews but Frank S. Nugent of The New York Times doesn't risk understatement when describing the film as 'a classic, as important cinematically as The Birth of a Nation or the birth of Mickey Mouse'. Nell Minow's summation that LK is 'not just a movie, but a marketing phenomenon' might hit the nail on the head as to why it has a smattering of 'rotten' reviews.

SW: 5/10
LK: 4/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

Already accepted as a masterpiece, the real joy in the SW trivia is discovering the nuggets that didn't make it into the film. Twenty-five songs were written but only eight are featured in the final cut. The prince was originally a major character but the animators found him difficult to draw and cut his part down. Dopey is only mute because a suitable voice actor couldn't be found. The rich history of the production, and all of its lost material, is astounding. All sorts of magical facts can be produced about the time certain films take to make. The fact that LK's wildebeest scene took three years to complete is non-the-less astonishing.

SW: 8/10
LK: 7/10

Disney's first masterpiece takes the win from Disney's mid-nineties classic by a score of 52/80 to 45/80 which puts it on level pegging with The Matrix for overall Fight Club lead. Snow White's Parental Guidance entry is deserving of the victory all on its own.

Film Intel's Fight Club - Superman Returns vs The Dark Knight

It was always going to happen. At some point The Fight Club had to be between two superhero films. Before their respective sequel and reboot hit then, The Fight Club is proud to present Superman Returns taking on The Dark Knight in the most irreverent and inconsequential battle either one of them has ever fought. Caped Crusader, ready? Man Of Steel, ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Hard to imagine much better starts. Superman Returns (SR) just beats out The Dark Knight (DK) by virtue of being slightly larger and taking up more of the page. Size matters.

SR: 9/10
DK: 8/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

In a very typical bit of 'inadvertently summing up the whole feel of the film', SR's parent's guide tells us that 'there are a few scenes where characters start to say a cuss word but the scene cuts off before they finish'. The very first line of DK's guide hilariously informs us that 'Rachel kisses Bruce in detail', which is obviously the opposite of kissing Bruce in brief(s).

SR: 6/10
DK: 8/10

Best Character Name

Fairly slim pickings for two films about men in capes which are itching to be taken seriously. Luckily, a typo on the SR cast and credits page gives us 'Daily planted reporter'. Don't forget to water him. There's really nothing in DK that stands up to that. Gambol is the best it has.

SR: 9/10
DK: 2/10

Best Quote

In a film where Kevin Spacey's Lex Luthor gets all of the best lines its sad to report that hardly a single one of them is quotable. The promotional material made great use of the exchange between Lex and Lois (Kate Bosworth) which ends with him telling her she is 'WRRRONG!' but that's about it. DK wins by a fair margin with the iconic description of Joker; 'no matches on prints, DNA, dental. Clothing is custom, no labels. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No name, no other alias'

SR: 3/10
DK: 8/10

Best Comparison

One poster on this board writes that 'comparing the 60's Batman (which I prefer) to the DK is like comparing The Monkees to the Beatles' wherein actual fact it is like comparing a product whose only value is nostalgia to a rather good film. Another poster here writes that 'debating which movie had the stupider villain plan... Ghost Rider or SR... is like arguing which piece of rotten, maggot-filled fruit tastes the best'. Criticism of SR can sink quite low but comparing it to Ghost Rider? That's too low.

SR: 5/10
DK: 5/10

Best Tweet

With every man and his dog reporting any little tidbit about The Dark Knight Rises searching for people talking about the second film is nigh on impossible. Add this feature to the list of things that the Internet has managed to break by engaging in unsubstantiated rumour-mongering. @ginger_avengerr tweets that the 'new movie with brandon routh looks shitty'. I am afraid he is entirely right in this regard.

SR: 5/10
DK: 0/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

Everyone's favourite UK critic Christopher Tookey writes of DK that 'the plot is often impossible to follow' which makes me wonder how the hell he managed with Memento. The quote garnered four-hundred and nineteen comments. That will teach him. Annoy the geeks and they will come after you with comments in their droves. In the biggest piece of 'no, that doesn't really help' advice ever given, Stefan Birgir Stefansson tells us that SR is 'better than 3 and 4'. Really? Do tell.

SR: 7/10
DK: 6/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

The SR trivia mainly details the project's chequered past which, far and above a mere trivia section, could fill a whole book. The reminder that, once upon a time, McG was going to direct the film serves as notice that this could have been much worse. Now perhaps a well known piece of trivia about DK but, for such a dark film, the fact that blood is only actually seen on screen three times is still remarkable.

SR: 6/10
DK: 7/10

A turn up for the books as underdog Superman Returns beats The Dark Knight by a score of 50/80 to 44/80. The Dark Knight put up a tough fight but ultimately its failure to score on the twitter question hurt it in the final reckoning. The Matrix still stands proud at the top of The Fight Club leader board but 50 points is enough to put Superman Returns in sole charge of second place.

Film Intel's Fight Club - Independence Day vs The Matrix

With Science-Fiction blockbuster Battle: Los Angeles in cinemas now and Science-Fiction non-blockbuster Skyline just out on DVD, today seemed an appropriate day for the Fight Club to pit two Goliaths of the genre against one another. Hits in 1996 and 1999 respectively, Independence Day and The Matrix ruled the world of late-nineties Science-Fiction blockbusters. But which comes out on top? There's only one way to find out. Keanu's Ray-Bans, ready? Fresh Prince's cigar, ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

You can't claim it's a great start for Independence Day (ID), which ends up with a poorly photoshopped poster for a fictional third entry in the franchise. Still, at least it is kind of representative of the film in question. The Matrix' (TM) effort is a difficult one to call. In very literal terms it is, of course, a picture of 'the matrix'. Fair enough.

ID: 4/10
TM: 6/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

A good effort from ID as barely concealed homophobia leaks out under 'Sex and Nudity' with the fact that 'David's boss hugs and kisses him'. The guide fails to list any other 'hugs and kisses' during the film. Strange Comparison Of The Day goes to TM which is described as being 'not much worse than "The Incredibles" violence'.

ID: 7/10
TM: 6/10

Best Character Name

ID's best efforts are the eponymous 'Redneck' and the barmy 'Elvis Fanatic', neither of which I can really remember but then, that's probably kind of the point. TM is full of silly Science-Fiction hacker aliases (Cypher, Trinity, etc.) but 'Spoon Boy' beats them all for pure childish hilarity.

ID: 4/10
TM: 5/10

Best Quote

ID has some decent one-liners, most of them from Will Smith with 'Welcome to Earth' the obvious highlight. Once upon a time though, TM was highly quotable. 'Whoa' remains its most obvious touchstone but extended pieces of theoretical rambling such as the trailer-friendly 'Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself' also stand the test of time.

ID: 6/10
TM: 8/10

Best Comparison

Good effort for ID with this site describing it as 'like a St. Bernard: huge, clumsy, inclined to drool, a little stupid, and lovable'. Parody website Uncyclopedia falsified a Keanu Reeves quote claiming that 'The Matrix is like a bowl of cereal. I'm like the milk', which is sadly all too believable.

ID: 7/10
TM: 6/10

Best Tweet

Fairly easy one for ID with @KyleBrandt34's recent tweet claiming that he was hearing 'that Battle:LA is "Independence Day" meets "Blackhawk Down". To me it looks more like "Bargain" meets "Bin"'. TM's winner is a tweet from @openculture which linked to this amazing image from the brilliant MovieBarcode website featured in Monday's article.

ID: 7/10
TM: 9/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

In discussing ID, Rita Kempley of the The Washington Post pondered whether 'the moviemakers' mission was to boldly go where everyone in Hollywood has gone before: the bank' in a sublime bit of cynicism which is hard to refute, whatever your thoughts on the film itself. The benefit of hindsight may have benefited Ron Wells of Film Threat who proclaimed that 'if you're curious where the next generation of auteurs is coming from, look in the art houses and look in The Matrix'. A shame that rather than become 'auteurs', The Wachowskis elected to make sequels.

ID: 8/10
TM: 7/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

Not that it's a major role but if Matthew Perry had indeed followed through on his apparent commitment to play Jimmy 'Raven' Wilder in ID then I would not like to imagine the consequences. TM's best piece of trivia is the now infamous list of actors considered for the role of Neo; from Nicholas Cage to Ewan McGregor, the trivia page is a veritable list of actors who would have managed to mess the thing up.

ID: 5/10
TM: 5/10

The Matrix takes Independence Day down with a Bruce Lee-inspired chop to the throat and a score of 52/80 to 48/80 in a high scoring match up of sci-fi greats. The first film to cross the 50-point threshold, The Matrix takes the Fight Club lead whilst Independence Day joins last week's winner True Grit in joint second.

Film Intel's Fight Club - True Grit vs Open Range

In our review of the Coen Brother's distinctly over-rated True Grit remake, one film that kept coming to mind was the all-but-forgotten Open Range, possibly the best example of a modern 'old-style' Western known to man. With a strong body of support for True Grit though, there's only one way to sort out this titanic disagreement which doesn't involve a face off at high noon, a challengingly placed spittoon or something involving the hind legs of a donkey. The competitors are in the arena. Jeff Bridge's slurred accent ready? Kevin Costner's lovely facial hair ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Horrendous start for True Grit (TG) which picks up zero by way of a poor quality image of the DVD box from the original film. Open Range (OR) doesn't provide anything to write home about mind you: a grainy image of the film's bad guys is all it can manage.

TG: 0/10
OR: 3/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

The always helpful IMDb parental guidance tells me that, in TG, 'gun toting is a fashion' as well as pointing out that, in some scenes, 'a drunk is present'. OR is tame by comparison but at least I now know that 'two men purchase cigars and smoke them later'.

TG: 5/10
OR: 4/10

Best Character Name

A couple of strong efforts for TG here. A main character called Rooster is always a good start whilst elsewhere, irony wins for Lucky Ned Pepper and LaBoeuf is an incredibly fitting moniker for Matt Damon's pompous oaf. Odus Wharton is another very creative effort. OR has nothing to match the might of the Coens and Bartender Bill pales in comparison.

TG: 8/10
OR: 2/10

Best Quote

OR is full of evocative, sub-grammatical, language, delivered with venom and, just occasionally, wit. If you haven't seen it, imagine Kevin Costner, in full on tough guy mode, spitting out lines like 'men are gonna get killed here today, Sue, and I'm gonna kill 'em' or Robert Duvall telling a law man that his own warrant 'ain't writ by no tin star, bought and paid for, Marshal. It's writ by us, and we aim to enforce it'. Equally, the Coens master the language of the age too and their script is filled with little dark bits of humour. The exchange between Rooster and the lawyer is a highlight but Rooster's dismissal of a man who wanted to be buried ('Ground's too hard. Them men wanted a decent burial, they should have got themselves killed in summer') shows off the script just as well.

TG: 8/10
OR: 8/10

Best Comparison

Someone who liked TG even less than I did described it rather derogatorily as 'like sitting in science class at 2:30, after lunch, before the closing bell'. To be fair, the same criticism is also levelled at OR with one review describing it as 'like trying to run fast through thick knee high mud'. The TG criticism is marginally more original and it takes the win.

TG: 6/10
OR: 5/10

Best Tweet

OR basically has a standard (but entirely accurate) piece of praise as its best, @hollingsworth calling it an 'Epic Western... A beautiful, heartfelt film'. @jason1749 is correct in claiming that, during The Oscars, 'TRUE GRIT shoulda won for the bear suit alone'.

TG: 6/10
OR: 4/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

Feel free to 'boo' at pantomime villains Hollywood Reporter, whose representative, Kirk Honeycutt, describes OR as being full of 'lengthy silences and butt-scratching pauses'. Alice Tynan hits the nail on the head with her review of TG, correctly surmising that 'reviewing a Coen Brothers film is usually an exercise in inventively arranging superlatives', which is exactly what a lot of the other reviews on the site seem to aspire towards.

TG: 6/10
OR: 6/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

Really cracking effort from TG: Mattie's lawyer (who we only hear in voice form) is intoned by none other than J. K. Simmons, J Jonah Jameson himself! OR's best shout is that Costner turned down Tarrantino's Kill Bill to do this film instead. Wise move that man, wise move.

TG: 9/10
OR: 5/10

True Grit not only takes it with a score of 48/80 to Open Range's disappointing 37/80, but it also takes the overall top spot by one point from It's A Wonderful Life! A magnificent score, especially considering it hit a big fat zero on its first category.

Film Intel's Fight Club - Tango And Cash vs Turner And Hooch

The Fight Club this time round sees two deadly duos from 1989 pitch into a head-to-head battle involving some dodgy specs and oodles of dog slobber. Turner And Hooch hit US screens in the summer whilst the more action-orientated Tango And Cash aimed for Christmas box office gold later in the year. Now they're both trying to de-throne It's A Wonderful Life, still the current leader of the Fight Club with 47/80. Stallone and Russell ready? Tom Hanks and, erm... big slobbery dog ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Solid scoring from both films with a film poster apiece doing the job. Tango And Cash's sums the film up nicely; 'its Stallone and Russell and some guns', whilst Turner And Hooch's also does a good job; 'its a soon-to-be Oscar winning actor stooping to a new low'.

TC: 7/10
TH: 7/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Tango And Cash make a really strong grab for this with the rather 'ooo err Matron' nod-nod-wink-wink insinuation of 'Tango and Cash are seen naked from behind walking into a shower' in the 'Sex and Nudity' section. Then again, the same section in Turner And Hooch scores points by using the word 'grind' and describing Tom Hanks and partner (a different partner, not the dog) as having both 'slept together' and 'had sex'. Just in case anyone was confused.

TC: 6/10
TH: 7/10

Best Character Name

Hooch, as played by Beasley The Dog is probably the best Turner And Hooch can manage. Tango And Cash has your atypical anonymous hoodlum (Chinese Gunman) and Teri Hatcher who plays someone called Katherine which the film shortens to Kiki. Never heard of that contraction before but still. Not a great effort by either film really.

TC: 3/10
TH: 1/10

Best Quote

The segment in Turner And Hooch which details Turner buying dog food ('$97.51? Is that pesos? This is for a dog. $97.51? I'm not gonna eat this stuff. Did I buy a smoked salmon - $97.51?') is quite funny but so is Tango (Stallone) describing Rambo as 'a pussy' and several other brilliant seventies action movie one liners ('This has got to be a mistake. What do you think?'/'I think my underwear is riding into my throat') give Tango And Cash the win.

TC: 7/10
TH: 5/10

Best Comparison

Tango And Cash appears to have the dubious honour of featuring in a rap song with the line 'me and Tiger J go back like we was Tango and Cash', which feels oddly fitting for the sort of film it is. Turner And Hooch takes the win though for this post from someone who appears to have found their TV stuck on a channel showing the film, thus describing it as 'like an unwanted pregnancy'. Brilliant in all regards.

TC: 6/10
TH: 10/10

Best Tweet

A simple but hilarious one for Tango And Cash as @EsmeMoloi tweets that it's 'still my favourite movie of all time'. An easy win for Hanks and the dog though as @garbz writes 'someone needs to dig up the Turner and hooch reboot script and call Aronofsky'. Would. Pay. To. See.

TC: 5/10
TH: 7/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

The New York Times Turner And Hooch review which claims you should 'dig it' for being the 'beginning of the end' for Tom Hanks' comedy work is fairly entertaining considering it seems to forget all about his Toy Story performances which inject Woody with both humour and warmth. Tango And Cash wins for the following 'lets see how much alliteration we can squeeze in' review; 'A boisterous and banal buddy-buddy formula that arbitrarily pairs Stallone and Russell in tiresome banter'.

TC: 6/10
TH: 4/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

The fact that Henry Winkler nearly directed Turner And Hooch but was fired when he failed to get on with Tom Hanks is fairly revelatory... until you remember that the film in question is Turner And Hooch and that no-one really cares. The best Tango And Cash has to offer is the fact that Cash was nearly played by Patrick Swayze. If Swayze had have stayed with this film we might never have had the legendary Road House, which the late star went on to make instead.

TC: 6/10
TH: 3/10

Tango And Cash comes achingly close to beating It's A Wonderful Life with a winning score of 46/80. Turner And Hooch loses by two with 44/80 despite getting a perfect score in one category. Bad doggie.

Film Intel's Fight Club - American Pie vs Road Trip

For the next round of the Fight Club we've taken 1999's teen comedy American Pie and 2000's very-similar-but-a-little-bit-different Road Trip and butted their macho egos together to find out who would emerge victorious. The result was much reminiscing about miss-spent youth and watching both of these far too many times than is naturally healthy. Full details of the battle, and eventual winner, feature below.

First Google Image Result (above)

Although both kind of feature the film in question, both are also pretty woeful starts. AP should probably lose on the technicality that it produces a result more aligned to the film's sequel but by virtue of featuring Tom Green prominently, RT takes the loss.

AP: 4/10
RT: 3/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Both films should really be goldmines for the various worries of concerned parents but AP can do no better than describing a famous scene ('a boy is caught with his penis in a tube sock'). RT proves slightly more fruitful by virtue of someone detailing that 'women are seen topless and rub each others breasts (frontal and side nudity)' because, obviously, one or other of 'frontal' or 'side' is much worse than the alternative.

AP: 4/10
RT: 7/10

Best Character Name

AP has lots to choose from (MILF Guy #1 and MILF Guy #2 were particularly strong contenders) but the winner has to be Chuck Sherman who's nickname The Sherminator birthed a thousand rubbish catchphrases and impersonators. It's a similar story in RT which has director Todd Phillips as the magnificent Foot Lover On Bus and Horatio Sanz' unforgettable French Toast Guy. Surprisingly though, Tom Green proves he's useful for something, taking the win for RT by virtue of being called Barry Manilow.

AP: 5/10
RT: 8/10

Best Quote

AP must be the standout here with both Stifler (Seann William Scott) and Jim's Dad (Eugene Levy) spouting constantly well-written one liners. Jim's Dad's best is probably his description of condoms as being 'safer than a tube sock' whilst Stifler's constant put downs ('I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?') are frequently laugh-worthy. Sherman makes a late grab for it though, describing himself as 'a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady'. Scott is also a walking quote machine in RT and his sage relationship advice ('you're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself') coupled with Barry's cries of 'unleash the fury!' form a strong counter-argument to AP's win.

AP: 8/10
RT: 7/10

Best Comparison

An interesting one for AP which DVD Active called 'like a breath of fresh air compared to the recent high school based comedies' which is strange to consider now, twelve years on from its release and with a host of imitators peppering the bargain bins of the country. RT is the clear winner here though with Metro Active calling it 'like Homer's Odyssey, but with fart jokes'. Right, so, nothing like Homer's Odyssey then?

AP: 5/10
RT: 9/10

Best Tweet

Arguable whether this, like its picture, should be disqualified for not quite talking about the film in question but @riskyveryrisky asking 'is there any ball shaver as seen on american pie: the wedding?' did raise a brief chortle. Perhaps their twitter name should be 'risqueveryrisque' instead. There were plenty of people going on road trips but sadly none with anything very interesting to say about either the film or their journey.

AP: 5/10
RT: 0/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

RT's is a joint award to two reviewers with opposing opinions on (who else?) Tom Green. Karla Peterson reckoned that he was the best thing in the film as 'a mouse-gobbling psycho' whilst Robert Wilonsky thought that Green's scenes looked 'as though they were shot during post-production'. So much for critical consensus. AP meanwhile has Steve Tilley declaring that 'anyone who has been there, done that won't be able to help but have twinges of real feeling for the fresh-faced lads' because obviously there's a lot of people out there who have had sexual relations with an apple pie.

AP: 6/10
RT: 6/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

The fact that AP's script originally carried the title Untitled Teenage Sex Comedy That Can Be Made For Under $10 Million That Most Readers Will Probably Hate But I Think You Will Love is fairly common knowledge but still rather amusing none-the-less. RT's best is the reveal of the Todd Phillips cameo.

AP: 6/10
RT: 3/10

With 43/80 each, there's no separating the teen comedies, two above-average showings which never threatened to usurp current title-holder It's A Wonderful Life.

Film Intel's Fight Club - It's A Wonderful Life vs White Christmas

After the success (ahem) of the first Film Intel Fight Club, we return on this lovely Christmas Eve with another Christmas themed battle-ring for Yuletide week. This time it's the battle of the 'classics' as It's A Wonderful Life takes on White Christmas for the title with pride at stake and film fans on tenterhooks (ahem). So, without further ado; James Stewart, ready? Bing Crosby, ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Oh dear. WL's is fine and scores extra points because it produces the image that most people arguably associate with the film but what has happened to WC's? Replaced by a greetings card image? And not even a good one at that! Hang your head in shame Bing.

WL: 8/10
WC: 0/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Neither are the sort of film that benefits from parental ire on IMDb but WL does helpfully state that 'a man slaps a boy' under the 'Violence and Gore' section. WC unfortunately features no such ironic guidance and the best it can manage is to say that sex and nudity will 'go above children's heads'. Not a good start for Bing and co.

WL: 4/10
WC: 1/10

Best Character Name

WL boasts 'Military Officer in Montage', Montage presumably being some kind of new-fangled army dress or a hitherto unknown American town. WC finally takes a win though with 'Rehearsal Blonde', surely the most anonymous female role ever.

WL: 5/10
WC: 7/10

Best Quote

For sheer tear-inducing, holiday sentimentality, WL's 'look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings' is hard to beat although several other lines from the film are noteworthy. WC though has several PG-friendly zingers including the nervous kiss ('Don't you think we ought to kiss or something?'/'Not until it's absolutely necessary') and 'How can a guy *that* ugly have the nerve to have sisters?'/'Very brave parents'. Decent marks for both.

WL: 8/10
WC: 7/10

Best Comparison

WL's comparison comes from Sheesh Productions who claim the film is like 'slipping into a favorite pair of flannel pajamas—they may show signs of age, but they're warm, cozy, and familiar enough to ward off even the coldest winter night', in related news: you now know what to buy Sheesh for Christmas. WC takes the win though courtesy of Stomp Tokyo who accurately compare the film to, 'candy cane: it only comes around once a year, and too much will make you sick'.

WL: 4/10
WC: 6/10

Best Tweet

Surprisingly, @marcsilber is not the only person tweeting that 'Love Actually is a perfect Christmas movie, sorry to say it replaced "It's a Wonderful life" as the most played in our house' which may show a worrying movement from the classics to Richard Curtis' comedy. WC suffers from a similar problem when searching for tweets as it does when searching for images but @davejenkins asking 'people talk about White Christmas, what about White Dog Poo?' seemed hilarious enough to warrant inclusion.

WL: 3/10
WC: 5/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

WL's is undoubtedly John Puccio's piece of punchy resistance to non-believers; 'raise your hand if you think It's A Wonderful Life is mushy, sentimental, over-praised hokum. Now, go to your room. Both of you', whilst WC suffers from the distinctly none-Christmassy put down of David Jenkins who calls it 'pornographically soppy'. Solid points scoring for both films.

WL: 7/10
WC: 7/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

WL's claim to trivia success is that it was the first film which used foam to replicate snow flakes. Before Kapra's film, the accepted method was to paint Cornflakes white. WC's own selection of trivia is disappointingly light with the only real revelation being that, due to rights issues, there has never been an 'official' soundtrack released.

WL: 8/10
WC: 2/10

The Christmas cheer belongs to It's A Wonderful Life as it beats White Christmas with a score of 47/80 to 35/80, taking the overall top spot from Santa's Slay in the process by a single point. Bing and co are relegated to touring the neighborhood, singing on doorsteps.

Film Intel's Fight Club - Santa's Slay vs Rare Exports

Considering that many people feel comparison is the lowest form of critique, this may be the most 'low brow' feature we've ever ran with... then again, you only have to look at Film Intel's Final Word to find a good counter argument to that point. That aside, welcome to the inaugural Film Intel Fight Club where two films get pushed head-to-head over such irreverent issues as 'first Google image result' and 'best IMDb parental guidance entry'. All films are marked out of ten on each topic with a possible maximum score of 80 - it won't tell you anything about the quality of the film (or will it?) but it might give you a few giggles. Or it might not. We'll see.

Seeing as the UK is in the middle of an epic cold snap at the moment (-4C as I write this) and that we're fast approaching Christmas day, we're going to kick off with two films dealing with evil Santas; namely current hot topic Rare Exports and 2005's turgid Santa's Slay. Bad Santa ready? Mad Santa ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Both search queries actually result in getting a picture of the film in question (hardly a given, especially for RE) which scores them some points right off the bat. The RE effort at least gives the title but for the pure fact that SS's perfectly encapsulates the film as a whole (Bill Goldberg is a murderous Santa) it takes the win. Neither are particularly great.

RE: 5/10
SS: 6/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Unfortunately, RE falls behind here by virtue of having nothing in its parental guidance. SS's goes down the route of describing every kill in the film and therefore features nuggets like 'a man being stabbed in the neck by a menorah' but sadly extends to nothing more insightful than this.

RE: 0/10
SS: 4/10

Best Character Name

RE has a proper Finnish name in 'Piiparinen' but SS is the clear winner here with 'Dick Zucker'. Just genius.

RE: 3/10
SS: 9/10

Best Quote

By virtue of being a new release RE again loses out with nothing to show in its IMDb quotes section. SS has an open net which it just about hits with two zingers; 'you hit like a girl/you kiss like a guy' and 'He's scary, yet educational'.

RE: 0/10
SS: 6/10

Best Comparison

Slash Film called RE 'like a fusion of Joe Dante and Guillermo del Toro' but the merit of that can be debated seeing as they'd only seen the trailer at the time. SS is 'like 3.50 on Amazon' according to a JoBlo forum poster although a more accurate comparison might be from a forumite on Horror-Movies.ca who claims it is 'sorta like 2001 Maniacs'. But with Santa. Kudos to SS for humour but RE must take it for inspiring such hyperbole.

RE: 7/10
SS: 5/10

Best Tweet

SS was the hands down winner here with a tweet from @LAZER_ZONE claiming the film 'blows it's a wonderful life out of the friggin water [sic]'. RE put up brave resistance with several people reporting that 'Rare Exports beats Harry Potter at the box office'. A fact slightly tempered by the reveal that this was only the case in Finland.

RE: 6/10
SS: 8/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

The SS review features a man who thinks that the fact the film is 'no Jack Frost or Jack Frost 2' is bad thing, whilst RE continues the hyperbole and comparisons with an Australian reviewer who thinks the film shows the 'influences of Tim Burton and the Coen brothers'. An honourable tie.

RE: 7/10
SS: 7/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

Neither film's trivia is exactly stacked: SS only lists the body count whilst RE is again unpopulated.

RE: 0/10
SS: 1/10

With an imposing but hardly magnificent 46/80, Santa's Slay lays the smackdown on Rare Exports' measly 28/80 to take the win in the first ever Film Intel Fight Club.