Film Intel's Fight Club - Tango And Cash vs Turner And Hooch

The Fight Club this time round sees two deadly duos from 1989 pitch into a head-to-head battle involving some dodgy specs and oodles of dog slobber. Turner And Hooch hit US screens in the summer whilst the more action-orientated Tango And Cash aimed for Christmas box office gold later in the year. Now they're both trying to de-throne It's A Wonderful Life, still the current leader of the Fight Club with 47/80. Stallone and Russell ready? Tom Hanks and, erm... big slobbery dog ready? Fight!

First Google Image Result (above)

Solid scoring from both films with a film poster apiece doing the job. Tango And Cash's sums the film up nicely; 'its Stallone and Russell and some guns', whilst Turner And Hooch's also does a good job; 'its a soon-to-be Oscar winning actor stooping to a new low'.

TC: 7/10
TH: 7/10

Best Piece Of Parental Guidance On IMDb

Tango And Cash make a really strong grab for this with the rather 'ooo err Matron' nod-nod-wink-wink insinuation of 'Tango and Cash are seen naked from behind walking into a shower' in the 'Sex and Nudity' section. Then again, the same section in Turner And Hooch scores points by using the word 'grind' and describing Tom Hanks and partner (a different partner, not the dog) as having both 'slept together' and 'had sex'. Just in case anyone was confused.

TC: 6/10
TH: 7/10

Best Character Name

Hooch, as played by Beasley The Dog is probably the best Turner And Hooch can manage. Tango And Cash has your atypical anonymous hoodlum (Chinese Gunman) and Teri Hatcher who plays someone called Katherine which the film shortens to Kiki. Never heard of that contraction before but still. Not a great effort by either film really.

TC: 3/10
TH: 1/10

Best Quote

The segment in Turner And Hooch which details Turner buying dog food ('$97.51? Is that pesos? This is for a dog. $97.51? I'm not gonna eat this stuff. Did I buy a smoked salmon - $97.51?') is quite funny but so is Tango (Stallone) describing Rambo as 'a pussy' and several other brilliant seventies action movie one liners ('This has got to be a mistake. What do you think?'/'I think my underwear is riding into my throat') give Tango And Cash the win.

TC: 7/10
TH: 5/10

Best Comparison

Tango And Cash appears to have the dubious honour of featuring in a rap song with the line 'me and Tiger J go back like we was Tango and Cash', which feels oddly fitting for the sort of film it is. Turner And Hooch takes the win though for this post from someone who appears to have found their TV stuck on a channel showing the film, thus describing it as 'like an unwanted pregnancy'. Brilliant in all regards.

TC: 6/10
TH: 10/10

Best Tweet

A simple but hilarious one for Tango And Cash as @EsmeMoloi tweets that it's 'still my favourite movie of all time'. An easy win for Hanks and the dog though as @garbz writes 'someone needs to dig up the Turner and hooch reboot script and call Aronofsky'. Would. Pay. To. See.

TC: 5/10
TH: 7/10

Best Rotten Tomatoes Review

The New York Times Turner And Hooch review which claims you should 'dig it' for being the 'beginning of the end' for Tom Hanks' comedy work is fairly entertaining considering it seems to forget all about his Toy Story performances which inject Woody with both humour and warmth. Tango And Cash wins for the following 'lets see how much alliteration we can squeeze in' review; 'A boisterous and banal buddy-buddy formula that arbitrarily pairs Stallone and Russell in tiresome banter'.

TC: 6/10
TH: 4/10

Best Piece Of IMDb Trivia

The fact that Henry Winkler nearly directed Turner And Hooch but was fired when he failed to get on with Tom Hanks is fairly revelatory... until you remember that the film in question is Turner And Hooch and that no-one really cares. The best Tango And Cash has to offer is the fact that Cash was nearly played by Patrick Swayze. If Swayze had have stayed with this film we might never have had the legendary Road House, which the late star went on to make instead.

TC: 6/10
TH: 3/10

Tango And Cash comes achingly close to beating It's A Wonderful Life with a winning score of 46/80. Turner And Hooch loses by two with 44/80 despite getting a perfect score in one category. Bad doggie.


  1. Turner and Hooch easily wins this in my book. Why? Simple: Best use of a Reginald Veljohnson performance prior to him being relegated to two minutes in Die Hard 2 and thus lost in the land of Steve Urkel forever.

  2. Ah good point! Good ol' Reg. Perhaps Turner And Hooch deserves a bonus point on that basis... still loses by one though!

  3. Damn, I need to see Tango and Cash. Russell and Stallone in their prime. What the hell is taking me?

  4. It's laughable but occasionally in a good way. It's a perfect '1.00am and I don't feel like going to bed' movie.